Bedtime Hugs and Kisses

I'm not good at telling the people around me that I care for them. Most people think I'm joking, but it is very close to the truth when I say that I told my wife I loved her once and that I'd let her know if that ever changed. Fortunately, Melissa is cut from a similar cloth. She doesn't need to be told I love her and she doesn't say it often either. Both of us believe that actions demonstrate that love far more than words do.

The challenge for me came when Elizabeth was born. I know the importance of children believing they are loved. They have to be told repeatedly they are loved. They will tell you how much they love mommy and daddy, but they need to be told and shown that we love them. And that's especially true of the bond between daughters and fathers.

To help with that, I had decided I would never turn down a request for a hug or kiss from Elizabeth. Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying. There is nothing in the world that makes me feel any better about myself and/or my family than a kiss and a hug from Elizabeth. I know almost every parent feels that way about their kids and that's a good thing. But she's learned how to use hugs and kisses as a weapon in our nightly bedtime battles.

In the last several weeks, Elizabeth has been searching for new ways to avoid going to bed or going to sleep once she's been in bed. Here are a few of her favorites:

• I have to go to the bathroom.
• I'm really thirsty. Can I have some more milk?
• It's dark in here. I want to turn on my closet light.

Eventually, I just get fed up answering these questions and dealing with these distractions and I tell her NO. That generally causes much crying, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. She cries and wails and I gnash the teeth. Even though it creates drama, it generally doesn't last long and she'll go to sleep.

The latest attempt on Elizabeth's part to avoid going to bed is to ask for hugs and kisses. And not just one hug or kiss but every time she sees one of us she wants a hug and a kiss. If she gets out of bed - even after being told not to - when you send her back to bed she has to have a hug and kiss first.

And she draws out the process too. She'll start toward the bed and then turn and put out her arms and say "hugs?" She then walks slowly across the room for hugs and kisses and then slowly heads back to her bed. And then she'll look at me and say "I need hugs and kisses from Mommy."

If you walk by her room on the way to the bathroom, she'll immediately begin talking to you and won't stop until you tell her it's time to be quiet. At that point she turns to the hugs and kisses.

I don't ever want Elizabeth to think her mommy and daddy don't love her. I know all kids will go through a phase when they believe that, but they shouldn't go through it at age 4. I don't ever want her to even question whether or not she is loved. That doesn't stop me from punishing her when she breaks a rule of the house. But even after punishing her, I try to sit down where we can look at each other eye to eye and explain why she was in trouble, give her a big hug, and tell her I love her.

I don't have any problem telling her she can't have another glass of milk or make another trip to the bathroom or leave the light on in the closet. But so far I'm not willing to deny her a hug or kiss.

It looks like it will be many more nights where we fight over going to bed while Elizabeth asks for one more hug and kiss.