Sometimes It's Hard Being A Parent

It is one of the facts of life. It may be one of the most difficult facts of life for some people to deal with. For a soon-to-be four year-old, it is simply not possible to comprehend. Anyone have any guesses what I'm talking about? That's right, I'm talking about dealing with death.

Earlier this week, Melissa (with me in a agreement) made the decision to put down her cat Max. Max has been acting very out of sorts for the past 6-8 months. He's been sick more often than any time in the past. He's been taking much longer to recover from his frequent fights after a couple of nights out on the town. He clearly hasn't been has himself. After consulting with vet, we decided that we couldn't begin keeping Max indoors all the time and that it was very unlikely he would be able to return to the quality of life he'd experienced all his life.

While Melissa and I are comfortable with our decision, it has been quite a challenge explaining this to Elizabeth. As a four-year-old, she clearly doesn't understand what it means for something to die. I'm not being callous or crude, just stating the fact.

This isn't the first time she's been exposed to death. She's been around her Meema after the passing of Meema's father. She went to the hospital with me to see my friend Susan just before she passed. She knows that her "sister's" dog Blue died.

As adults we can accept the finality of death. That we'll never again see the friend that has died. At times, we may struggle with it, but ultimately we all learn to accept it. To a four-year-old the concept of not-to-be-seen-again is completely unfathomable.

Elizabeth was told that Susan was really sick and the only way she could feel better was to go live with Jesus. That's also what she was told with death of Meema's father. When Blue died, her "sister" who is only a year older than she is, told Elizabeth that Blue had gone to live in the sky with the stars and Jesus.

After we made the decision about Max, Melissa told her that Max was going to live with Blue. We told her Max was sick and he would feel better if he went to live with Jesus and Blue. While Elizabeth says she understands, it is clear she really doesn't believe Max won't be back.

This afternoon Elizabeth asked me when Max would be coming home. When I told her he wouldn't be coming home, she asked me what he would do for a "potty-box" since his litter box was still in the garage. I don't know how many times she told me or her mother that she wanted Max to come home.

I don't know how long it will take before Elizabeth really gets that Max won't be coming home, but I'm guessing it will be quite some time. There are times when out of nowhere she'll ask us if we remember going to see Susan in the hospital or that Blue has gone to be with Jesus. Both are events that happened about a year ago but from time to time they come back to her.

While the decision to put Max down was hard for Melissa, it has been much harder to answer questions from Elizabeth about Max. I know it will get easier with time, but that isn't much help today.